Jlissa's Journey

I felt like a fake because I was

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For the past 3 years, I wanted to live an authentic life. Until recently I haven't felt like myself. I felt trapped and stuck inside of a deep pit. And couldn't get out.

I wasn't doing the things I dreamed about doing. I wasn't meeting the people I wanted to meet. I wasn't learning everything I wanted to learn. And I couldn't understand why. Because it just wasn't like me. My life was fake because I wasn't being myself. I wasn't doing the things that made me feel good.

Last week I began finding my authentic self. The statement " you never achieve your dreams," was the beginning. Because it was the first time in 3 years, I recognized the negativity in my life. And realized the impact it had on me. And realized I wasn't seeing myself through my own eyes. And that's why my life felt so fake.

This week I started Oprah's lifeclass. And yesterday's lesson on truth really set me free. I understood that my life has been missing me. Everything that made me ---me was gone. I was hiding myself, and my skills and my talents because it made others uncomfortable. And made them feel less than.

And others blamed me, with their words and actions. When I celebrated my achievements, I was told not to brag. When I tried to get someone to look at the positive side of things; people said " you're always so chipper aren't you?" An old high school friend told me people in school didn't like my confidence. And I could go on.

But those things never affected me. I would hear them, and say well that's their problem, not mine. Until 3 years ago when I was doubting myself. And thinking negatively about myself. And someone close to me validated the negative thoughts.
So I allowed all of the negativity into my head. And it stayed.

And made me feel miserable. And fake. And changed who I was. Until last week. When I examined my thoughts and realized " it's not true. Then yesterday Oprah's lifeclass set me free.

I understood why I felt like a fake; because I was. I wasn't being the eternally happy and joyful person I am. I wasn't out talking to strangers. I wasn't learning the things I wanted to learn. I wasn't letting go of the negativity. I wasn't using my gifts. I wasn't being the person I was made to be. I was being who people wanted me to be. So they would feel comfortable around me.
Spirtual Fasting