Jlissa's Journey

My Journey To Now Part 2

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And I clearly heard God say----" That is Your husband." And this really depressed me. For days I kept asking why.

I had recorded the sermons, and I kept replaying them. And listening to new sermons. And I learned about God. I used to read the bible when I was younger. I knew and loved the stories. But once I grew up I stopped believing. Because I thought God was mean, and angry, and revengeful. And I didn't want to believe in a God that was like that.

But those tv sermons taught me that God isn't like that. And he sent his only son to us, so we could experience God's love. And learning that helped me open my heart and mind to God. And I became born again.

I had accepted Christ into my life, but not my husband. I wanted to have complete faith in what God had told me. But it just couldn't be possible. i couldn't stand my husband. We weren't even speaking to each other. And I certainly didn't trust him. And he had hurt me.
I had a list of things my husband would need to change first.

I kept reading the bible, listening to sermons, praying and trying to renew my mind. And I fluctuated between wanting to heal my marriage, and wanting to be free.

Then about 2 months ago, my husband and I started communicating on a semi-regular basis. Our conversations were rough. He wanted to move forward. He had apologized to me many times. I had received the closure that most people long for. And I still wanted him to feel what I felt. I wanted him to truly understand how he hurt me. And for the past 2 months, that's what I have been focusing on. Trying to make him understand.

What I completely blocked out, was the fact that I had hurt him too. I was never able to see hurt that I caused. I've only been able to see my own pain. And our conversations reflected that.

Then 3 days ago God opened my eyes. I was talking to husband on the phone, and we had a huge misunderstanding. He said " I know you're trying to hurt me." And I burst out laughing because at that moment I was thinking, " how can I help him get this done?"

And on that day, I realized why we couldn't communicate with each other. We were both living in the past. We both expected to be hurt. So even when I was reaching out with kindness, he saw a potential trap. And I finally understood how to forgive him, and how to let the past go.

We're both new creatures in Christ. He's not the same person that hurt me. And I have to stop reliving the past. And stop trying to forgive. I don't have to try anymore. The moment I realized he was a new person, I achieved forgiveness. And I felt the anger, and hurt and disappointment going away.

So today I know that God is always right. That is my husband! And I don't have to pray for God to heal my marriage because it's already been done. Now that doesn't mean I expect everything to be perfect. But to go from me hating and not speaking to him; to him calling me his sweetheart and saying that he's never leaving me-----is huge. And only God could have done it.
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Spirtual Fasting , Random Jlissa Thoughts

Comments

  1. Tink's Avatar
    That is a very touching story. If you can, try to have a movie date with your hubby and watch Fireproof. Great movie about marriage.
  2. NJoy's Avatar
    Wow. Thank you for sharing. Again, this is powerful stuff. Glory to God!